Wild Zero

[nikkie_chan]

Last weekend, I was invited out to a movie night by some friends. The original idea (as I understood it at least) was that we were going to have a quote-unquote "bad movie night," after I had raved about the live Rifftrax performance of Starship Troopers the week before. So gleefully, I raided my DVD shelves and selected the worst movie I owned, cackling like a maniac the entire time. (Because in my off time, I often enjoy behaving like a cartoonish supervillain. What do you do in yours?) So imagine my surprise when movie night occurred and my friends brought movies like Robin Hood: Men in Tights and Memoirs of a Geisha and the live action version of Rurouni Kenshin! No, my friends don't have awful taste, they just decided to nix the "bad" bit of movie night. We had a lovely dinner and indulged in a showing of Robin Hood (I cannot resist an opportunity to watch a Mel Brooks production) and then the call arose:

"Let's watch something Nikkie brought!"

Now, in my defense, I warned them.

And still they persisted.

Still... I inflicted Wild Zero upon two people I quite like.

Never heard of Wild Zero? The best way that I can describe it is that it's the Japanese version of Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's got aliens, music, men in hot pants, etc.

The movie begins with an alien invasion, although all you see are flying saucers, and then cut to the movie's protagonist, Ace. Ace dresses like an extra from Grease and has a hard on for rock music and a man crush on a band called "Guitar Wolf." Sidenote: Guitar Wolf is an actual Japanese rock band, comprised of three members, Guitar Wolf, Bass Wolf and Drummer Wolf. They never made it big in Japan, but did amass a small cult following. Despite not being a singer or even being able to play an instrument, Ace gets it into his head that he will be the next big thing on the Japanese rock circuit, mustering up the courage to approach the owner of the club Guitar Wolf is playing at to try to get his own show. However, the club owner, a drug peddling bald man in a bad wig and painfully revealing hot pants, is kind of a douche, to the point that the members of Guitar Wolf want out of their contract with him. Owner man cackles, telling them that without his assistance, their career will effectively be over, because, in his own words, "rock and roll is dead." Ace overhears this exchange from the other side of a door and bursts in, proclaiming that rock and roll with NEVER die!!11 before being punched in the face by a stooge. A scuffle ensues and the manager's fingers are shot off with a pistol, and the members of the band find this a fine time to get the hell out of dodge, but Guitar Wolf is so impressed by Ace's dedication to the medium that he unceremoniously makes Ace his blood brother and gives him a magic whistle that will summon him should Ace blow on it.

And then the zombies arrive.

Yup, there are zombies in this movie. Bad ones. Ones that seem to be able to teleport thanks to the magic of bad jump cuts. And shamble about with absolutely NO purpose and fall over and are really only problematic when the script demands it. In one scene, one of them is carrying a pair of sandals in both hands. And they all seem to really enjoy wearing really bad American style clothing! But whatever.

Fast forward to the future and Ace is driving to Guitar Wolf's next gig when he accidentally stops a theft attempt at a gas station (he mindlessly pays no heed to what is going on and gives the criminal a bloody nose when he opens the door, not realizing there's someone on the other side). The criminal flees and Ace assists a waif named Tobio who had fainted during the attempted theft, and the two develop an instant awkward crush on each other. Then the zombies start conglomerating and Ace assists Tobio in escaping them, only to get them both stranded in a room of a warehouse. He bemoans the fact that he never made anything of his life, but tells Tobio that at least he was able to meet her and be with her when he dies.

And then Tobio gets nekkid and we find out that she is a he and Ace runs away like a bitch.

Once alone, Ace bemoans his choice of love interests and a phantom Guitar Wolf appears to him and shouts that love doesn't answer to things like age, nationality or gender (preach it, brother)! This reminds Ace about his magic whistle and he uses it, attracting Guitar Wolf's attention and the band speeds to his rescue. Oh, and Tobio, despite having fainted twice thus far into the film, has escaped the warehouse that they were supposedly trapped in and has wandered off, forcing Ace to grab a crowbar and fight his way out so that he can find him... her?

Also, the club owner who vowed vengeance on Guitar Wolf discovers where the band's gig was supposed to be and rushes away to find and kill them... still wearing hot pants. And there's a female weapons dealer and a couple of idiotic-looking who argue all the time and shout "FUCK!" a lot. They turn into zombies and are more affectionate to each other post-mortem than they were in life.

Anywho, Guitar Wolf show up to not really help Ace at all and have a showdown with the club manager, who was bitten by a zombie and is then electrified, which gives him powers akin to Cyclops from the X-Men... because... science? But he dies and then the alien mothership appears, and, the moment my fellow viewers finally arose and shouted, "BULLSHIT!", Guitar Wolf pulls a katana out of his guitar and cuts the ship out of the sky, sending the aliens running.

Yea... take that... impossible, unbelievable ending, you... aliens you.

?

And then Ace finds Tobio and says that his feelings haven't changed and in a voice over says that he wasn't really sure if the plot actually happened or if it was a dream (REALLY? I'd be wondering who slipped what mind-altering substance into my drink if I were Ace) but that he and Tobio will stay together and he never saw Guitar Wolf again.

So yea, this? Is not a good movie. BUT, it's over the top campy horror is kind of endearing! ...if you're drunk. And what luck, the DVD even has a special feature where it explains the rules of the official Wild Zero drinking game to you, and then signals when you should drink by flashing a picture of a beer mug on screen when the conditions are met! At one point during the film, three beer mugs appears at the same time. Ain't life grand? And instead of being rageful towards me for introducing this film into their lives, my friends still like me... and have a list of people they want to inflict this film on themselves.

Hey, it could have always been worse. I could have shown them Demonicus.

...Perhaps another time.