nikkie_chan | First Impression: Nintendo 2DS

WHOO, lookit the Nintendo haters GO!

Oops, made the mistake of looking at the comments section again. That's never a good thing. It only results in my faith in humanity shattering a bit more with every nonsensical curse...

So word hit the internet today that Nintendo intends to release a new handheld device in October called the Nintendo 2DS. It's essentially the Nintendo 3DS... just without the 3D-ness. Or folding screens. That's it. The only difference between the two, and it will retail at $130.

And the ever vigilant denizens of the internet FLIPPED THEIR SHIT.

"It's a meaningless cash in gimmick! They just want all our monies!" argued some.

"This thing is too huge, what possible pocket could a kid stuck that in?" argued others.

"Nintendo is moving backwards as a company, this is why they'll be out of business soon," crowed the elitist snobs. (Spoiler: EVERYTHING Nintendo does is a sign that they will soon be out of business, many have said, ever since the release of the Nintendo 64.)

"WHOO HOO!" I shouted, pumping my fists in the air in joy.

Confession time: I freaking HATE 3D. 3D ANYTHING.

I'm not in the minority of people who think that 3D is a tired old gimmick that was resurrected from the days when my parents were initially dating, although the medium does still have a strong network of support. "When it's well done, it's a complete game-changer!" has been an argument I've heard fired off at me many a time, often followed by the examples of How to Train Your Dragon and Avatar. Neither of which I've seen. (OK, I feel badly about the latter, but the former was Dances with Wolves in space and you KNOW it.) I've seen a handful of movies in 3D and the one that pulled it off best was Star Trek: Into Darkness. Its contenders were Silent Hill Revelation and The Hobbit and you can stop judging me RIGHT NOW.)

A simple Google search on the subject of the 2DS reveals that Nintendo actually has a decent reason for putting this product on the market: studies have shown that regular use of the 3D feature of the 3DS is terrible for a body's eyesight, especially if that body is under the age of 10. And as children are the target demographic for most Nintendo products, providing an alternate console for use that won't be permanently damaging is actually... pretty ethical.

I know, ethics, from a corporation. Weird, right?

What's kind of baffling to me is that it took THIS long for this to be noticed and acted on. My first interaction with the 3DS was at a Best Buy display and after a solid minute of experimentation, I stumbled back feeling as if my eyes were FREAKING BLEEDING.

Which isn't to say that I still didn't consider purchasing one, at least after the prices dropped to $170. Eye bleeding-ness or not, Nintendo is one of the only places to find my beloved JRPG genre titles, and while I already own Tales of the Abyss for the PS2, it would be nice to have an edition where the load times weren't enough that I could microwave a frozen burrito between battles. Every time. But I held off because the small practical side of me (yea, one exists, it's just very malnourished) cried, "But it's 3D! I hate 3D! I would never use it! Do I really have to pay so much for a feature I'll never use and that will make me want to cry out as if I've been pierced by 1000 Swords of Hate?!"

And it turns out, no, the answer is no! HAPPY DAY FOR ME! DIE IN A HOLE, 3D!

Admittedly, I will miss the folding screens feature, I did like the compactness, but y'know what? It's not a deal-breaker. Because even it is larger, I still have the perfect place for it. Y'know... in my purse. And if my purse isn't big enough to accommodate my 2DS and all of the other things I carry around on a day-to-day basis, I will just buy a larger one! And I will be OK with this, because I FREAKING LOVE HANDBAGS! And guys, don't worry, if there is one thing Nintendo does well, it's create accessories, so I'm certain a bag of some sort will be released so that you too can feel fabulous and/or metro!

And if you don't own a pair of thick rimmed black hipster glasses, no one (read: me) will even accuse you of being a pretentious douche.

So anyway, Nintendo haters, I understand you've had a lot to be frustrated about lately. The marketing department for the Wii U dropped the ball so hard that when the system was released, casual gamers like me responded, "...wait, Nintendo put out a new system?" And the whole issue of buying shares in Youtube to insert ads on playthroughs of Nintendo games and then claiming the revenue might seem petty and ill-advised for a number of reasons. But let's be honest: soon there is going to be a new Smash Brothers game out and we all know that lots and loooots of people are going to break down and buy the system for that reason and that reason alone. Nintendo has been playing the waiting game for many a system. They're good at it. Don't go crying and writing funeral dirges just yet. Nintendo might not be the titan of the industry that it once was, but it still provides a valuable service to our fanbase: it gets kids to play games. And all kids need a place to start. And do you really want to lose out on franchises like Pokemon, Legend of Zelda and Mario? Think of what a darker place the world would be if these games ceased to be produced!

And the people who aren't happy about the 2DS, here's what you do: don't buy it. And please be quiet and let me enjoy myself. There are soon to be a LOT of games I have to catch up on!